Sex Isn’t A Drive. It’s About Motivation and Spontaneous and Responsive Desire

When I tell folks that sex isn’t a “drive,” I’m often met with a blank stare. Though I’m not a mind reader (even if folks assume their therapist is), I imagine someone thinking, “well, then why do we use the term ‘sex drive’?” While I don’t know the answer to that question, my personal opinion is that it feels like a drive. For some people, wanting sex can feel similar to feeling hungry or thirsty in that the feeling just emerges, seemingly out of nowhere.

The reality is that desire is tied to our motivation and reward system. I’m going to use a parallel example to describe how sex is fueled by motivation and reward. Let’s talk about pizza. If you were to stop having pizza, assuming like me, it’s one of your basic food groups, at first you would really crave pizza. However, over time, the cravings would subside and you could manage long periods of time without pizza. Then, if you have pizza again one evening, you’ll remember how much you enjoy it, and want pizza again soon (possibly in the middle of the night thereafter). Sexual desire works the same way as the cravings for pizza.

Contrary to some popular belief, you’ll actually be ok (physically) without sex. Because it’s not a drive like hunger or thirst, there is no physical consequence to abstaining from sex the way that we can experience starvation or dehydration without food and water. There is no tissue damage in the absence of sex. Furthermore, sex isn’t a need. It often can feel like a need because folks use sex as a proxy for connection and connection absolutely is a need. 

So what’s the deal with wanting sex in a way that seems like it comes out of the blue, like hunger or thirst? Well, that’s considered spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is desire in anticipation of sex (Nagoski, 2015). While some folks have predominantly spontaneous desire, others have mostly “responsive” desire. Responsive desire arises in response to a sexual stimulus (Nagoski, 2015). Using another food analogy, let’s think about cookies. Perhaps you’ve just had dinner and you’re not hungry. However, your partner is making homemade cookies and the house smells amazing. Then they come out of the oven and look gooey, just the way you like them. You’d want a cookie, right? Spontaneous desire works in the same way. Both are normal. 

For couples, the fact that sex isn’t a drive has both negative and positive consequences. The bad news is that if couples stop having sex, this can become a self-perpetuating cycle leading to less and less sex. When avoidance enters the picture, often the avoidance becomes an even bigger issue. The good news is that couples who stop having sex can start again and revive their sex life. Help, and pizza delivery, is a click away. 

Works Cited:

Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon and Schuster.