Mindfulness for Sex

The words “mindfulness” and “meditation” get handed out like free samples at Costco on the weekends. At this point, it’s become a trope among cardigan-clad therapists telling clients that the secret to all addressing their concerns is to simply incorporate mindfulness. While therapists do play this card early and often, mindfulness and meditation do have a wealth of benefits from improving symptoms of anxiety and depression, to relieving stress, healing intergenerational trauma, and even improving your sex life, which is the focus of this blog post.

So let’s start with understanding what mindfulness is. It is distinct from meditation, though there is a fair bit of overlap. Mindfulness is tuning into the present moment, often utilizing all five senses to do so. Meditation is a practice where we spend time noticing our thoughts and letting them go. The overlap between mindfulness and meditation is that both focus on the present moment. 

Mindfulness’s massive potential to improve your sex life has a wealth of research behind it. So much so that Lori Brotto (2018) wrote an entire book on the subject called “Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire.” Though much of her initial research focused on patients with cancer, there’s evidence that mindfulness can also treat a variety of other sexual problems like low sexual desire and sexual pain. That being said, it’s also beneficial to people simply wanting a better sex life.

So how do you learn to use mindfulness for sex? Brotto describes using the “raisin exercise” to learn mindfulness. I’m not a huge fan of raisins, or grapes, for that matter, so I prefer to use an orange. My favorite is a blood orange. To try this activity put the orange in the fridge the night before to ensure that it’s cold, providing a rich sensory experience. The next day, give yourself some time alone, ensuring you will not be interrupted, and remove a cold blood orange from the fridge. Slowly, examine the skin’s varying shades of orange and red. When you peel the orange, listen to the sound of the peel tearing away from the flesh of the orange. Smell the distinct citrus aroma. Feel the rind under your fingernails. At every moment, focus only on the orange and let any other thought go. Bite into a half of an orange segment, and the cold of the juice and taste on your tongue, sweet and nearly tangy at the same time. Notice the  remaining half segment and see the deep purplish color of the fruit. As you continue to eat the orange, use all of your senses and attune to your own sensations.

This same practice can be applied to sex. Tune into the physical sensations and let go of the thoughts that inevitably arise. Just because thoughts happen, doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Just let them float away and focus on the present. And for more reading on sex and mindfulness, I recommend picking up a copy of Brotto’s book. 

Reference: 

Brotto, L. A., & Nagoski, E. (2018). Better sex through mindfulness: How women can cultivate desire. Vancouver: Greystone Books.