10 Expert Tips for a Better Sex Life
When people find out I’m a sex therapist, after they stop giggling, the first question I’m usually asked is some flavor of “what is your best advice for having great sex?” Oftentimes, people are expecting something salacious about novel sex positions, or ways to have a better orgasm, but my advice is more straightforward and rooted in the research. Still, I’ll do my best to answer that all-too-common question. Here are my top 10:
Tell your partner what you want. This seems so simple, but so many of us simply don’t. We have the idea that we should magically know how to please our partners or our partners should just know how to please us. However, in reality, nobody is a mind reader and different bodies enjoy different things. The likelihood of getting what you want without saying what you want is infinitesimal.
Don’t talk about what went wrong in bed right after it happens. Those moments are intensely vulnerable and it’s hard to stay level-headed with emotions and hormones surging. Instead, take a pause, and ask your partner what would be a good time to discuss things.
Harness the power of mindfulness. Getting distracted during sex is normal, and even expected. We have lives with responsibilities, commitments, and stressors. When your mind starts to wander, bring it back to the sensations you’re experiencing in your body. And breathe. This technique can actually help buffer against erectile dysfunction and help you last longer. Contrary to what Austin Powers espoused in The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999), you don’t need to think about Margret Thatcher on a cold day…..
Prioritize sex. This piece of advice is made evident in Emily Nagoski’s latest book Come Together: The Science (and Art) of Creating Lasting Connections (2024). Couples who make sex a priority are the ones who sustain their sex life over the long run.
Schedule Sex. One way that couples can ensure that they are making sex a priority is to put it on the schedule. This means day and time, and how much time to set aside. Don’t forget to set the scene and potentially get a babysitter, if that’s what feels right for you. Some people find this distinctly unsexy. And that has some truth to it. However, it doesn’t have to be. Having sex on the schedule can be something that you look forward to and anticipate with pleasure.
Focus on pleasure, not outcome. The more you focus on an outcome such as an orgasm or penetrative sex, the more elusive it becomes. You cannot will your body to do anything. Instead, focus on enjoying touch, even if that’s a good back rub. As Emily Nagoski reminds us, “pleasure is the measure!”
Give yourself permission. Permission giving can take many forms. Sometimes, it’s permission to feel desire, instead of shame, permission to want and ask for what you want, or even permission not to want. We’re so quick to judge our sexual selves, and there are few things more antithetical to satisfying sex.
Love and desire are not the same. One of Esther Perel’s primary theses is that love and sex are not the same, and desire needs air to fuel the fire. You cannot want what you already have.
Remember that women are unlikely to have an orgasm from penetration alone. Most need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. This is normal.
Use some lube! And make it a body-safe lube such as Sliquid or Good Clean Love. Remember, that a lack of wetness doesn’t necessarily mean that sex isn’t wanted. It might just mean that you need some lube!
References:
Nagoski, E. (2024). Come Together: The Science (and Art) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections. Random House.
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Harper Collins.
Roach, J. (Director). (1999). Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me [Film]. New Line Cinema.
